Since the first of the year, Blaine & I have been through some tough times. First, Blaine was cut back down to forty hours a week from his usual fifty. Which at first, we thought our throats had been cut, but after cutting a few unnecessary things in our life, we figured it out. Secondly, it was a constant threat of hearing that Blaine's employer is shutting the doors. It was going to be okay, we had made backup plans, so we thought. Unfortunately, our backup plans became null and void, once the economy hit the valley hard. There was nobody hiring and everybody looking for jobs. It was and still is terrifying. In April, Blaine got laid off and he went to Rupert to work. Thankfully, his parents had a lot of remodeling to do, so Blaine spent the week in Rupert and would come home for a few days. It was really hard on Blaine, Sam & I to be away from each other. It was especially hard on Blaine because he wasn't at home and he was worried about what was going to happen next.
Then May hit with a vengeance, Dad was in the hospital, Blaine was taking care of the house and Sam while I was in Rexburg and he was working a day at a time at Owen's. It was stressful on him to say the least. Needless to say, at the end of May, Blaine's leg started to burn and sting.
For those of you who do not know, Blaine was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in 2002. That's a post for another day, but the long and short of it is he is doing fairly well and he has had only a few exacerbation's. It really shouldn't have been a surprise when Blaine told me of the latest episode but my heart still stopped and I had a small nervous breakdown. With the six months of stress, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
There are days, even a month can go by without me constantly thinking about Blaine's illness but there are times that I want to crawl in a hole and wait for all of it to be over. It is the most frustrating and terrifying thing to go through. Frustrating because there is not a damn thing I can do about it. Terrifying because we don't know what is around the bend. It could be fifty years until he is wheelchair bound or it can be today. The unknowing is the hardest for us. Both Blaine & I are planners. We have to plan everything, so when he was diagnosed, all the sudden we are faced with something that we cannot plan. We try to plan for the worst but hope for the best. I think in this instance, that might be the way to go.
Anyway, I have learned to count my blessings every time I see Blaine being active. We are so grateful that he has not been hit hard with this horrible disease. It could be so much worse. Still, I can't help but worry that one day Blaine will not be able to get out of bed. When will be the time that he can no longer hug Sam or I? When will be the time that his memory starts fading and he can't remember getting married to me or when Sam was born? When will he no longer be able to get on Moe (his horse) or go to hunting camp. When will he want to be put in a nursing home? All these things are a great worry to me. I try to remain positive but in the back of my mind I am always worried about the when or what ifs.So for today, instead of worrying, I am going to be counting my blessings that he is outside riding his horse and living life to the fullest. I am going to treasure the kiss and hug this morning and the silly smile of his as he strolls outside. I am going to treasure every moment that he is healthy and active because someday that may not be true.
For all of you out there, please try to put away the fears for even a moment and count blessings, because everyone has something to be grateful for. I know that even when I am under the blackest cloud, there is always something that is right in this world.
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