The End of a Chapter

I have been dreading this day from the moment Jade passed kindergarten screening. My boys are all in school, the house is empty and I finally have to face the fact that there will no longer be any babies or any toddlers running around. That chapter has ended.

I hate that it has ended. It isn't supposed to be this way. I should have a house full of kids! Why has God seen fit to only let one child live and all my other babies be with Him? Why, when Blaine & I have so much to love to give, did He decide that Sam was enough for us? I'm not ready for my boys to go to school. It means they are growing up and I'm not ready. I'M NOT READY!

I'm angry that I have to go out in the real world and finish school. I'm angry that I'm having to choose between what I love and what I have to do. I'm angry that Blaine's life expectancy is shorter than most and there is no knowing when or if, Blaine cannot get out of bed. I'm angry that I must have a degree in accounting and a degree in teaching just so that I may be able to support my family. I'm angry that I didn't finish school when I was younger. I'm angry that everyone keeps telling me that they are jealous that I'm able to start a new chapter. I'm jealous of them for still having babies to raise.

I will accept this, just not today. Today, I am going to feel sorry for myself and cry that it wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm going to cry when I see Sam getting on the bus. I'm going to cry when I come back to a quiet house. I'm sure there will be a lot more tears for awhile. Goodness knows there has been a lot shed for the past 7 yrs. I pray that God will give me the strength to move on and the patience with me to accept what He has given me. I pray that it won't be as bad as I think. I pray again and again for that.