It's 3:00 a.m.! You've got to be kidding me! I was sleeping so soundly when I woke up with a start. I have no idea what I was dreaming about but I do know that I woke up crying. Then I started cry about something that I have been pretty good lately about stuffing into the back of my mind. Thank you, medication. I'm a fan!
This isn't what Blaine & I had in mind. Nothing remotely similar. We were going to have a house full of kids.(Yes, my family, a house full!) I was going to be ready to go back out into the world full of ambitions for myself. Yet, here I am 31 years old and dreading what life is going to bring me and what I must do. I feel so imcomplete.This is NOT how it is supposed to be!
I write in my little Blessings Journal every night for the day's blessings and I have so much to be thankful for. At times, I can even see through my own thunderclouds to see perhaps why Blaine & I have only Sam. Sam IS a handful full of energy and lately, a lot of attitude that I might not be able to remain sane with another one. With Blaine having MS, another child might not be a great idea financially. During those times, I can see some reasoning but today is NOT one of those days!
Yes, Sam is a handful and his attitude lately has made me want to pull every single hair out but he is so full of life. I hate to break my own arm but Blaine & I have done a great job so far with him. He is caring and selfless towards others. He already is a hard little worker and would do anything anyone asks except clean his room. He is loved by a lot of people and that collection just gets bigger and bigger as he ventures farther out into the world. I could have and would have handled another one-even a carbon copy of Sam.Today is one of those days that I think I could conquer 10 of them.
As with Blaine, my worst fear is that if or when Blaine gets to the point that we all dread, he looks at me and says that his only desire was that he wanted more kids and that would have made his life complete. It's my fault that we can't seem to get and stay pregnant and that breaks my heart. I'm sure that he never blames me but I blame myself enough for the both of us. I pray that never happens but I have always been the Queen of What-ifs.Today is one of those days where I will wear my crown.
Yes, I have come to the realization that there are not going to be more children. Do I accept it? I'm starting to a little more each day but until I completely accept it and I pray that I will someday, I am going to have one of those days.
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(((HUGS))) There really isn't anything to say, I just wanted to give you a hug.
ReplyDeleteYou have so many obstacles to overcome but I know you WILL overcome them all. You are such a strong person with great determination. Nobody will ever understand the depth of pain and frustaration you have to deal with and I know I could not handle it as respectfully as you. Please remember that I am thinking of you and I would love to be there for you if you ever need me. Take care!
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I stumbled onto your blog through Christine Dallimores We are all Mothers blog. First of all, congrats on your amazing news of expecting TWINS!! That is SO exciting! I've been reading back to see what your story is and I can only hope that someday I can look back being in similar shoes as you are right now. My husband also has his health issues. His is back pain with two major surgeries and titanium rods in his back he is often in A LOT of pain and it's really hard for me to see him have to go through that. Second of all, we have one child and in almost 3 years of trying (she's 4) we have yet to finally have another one. The posts where you express your feelings on being in your 30s (i'm nearing that), being a ONE CHILD family etc are EXACTLY how I feel everyday. Feelings of not being complete, dreams of having a house full of kids being shattered, and getting too old to hold on to much more hope and then on top of it the suffering of a spouse with inadequate health....it's all familiar to me. And I love that you have shared your feelings about it all on here. I just want to keep reading---it helps to validate my feelings and gives me hope for having more kids.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
Good Luck with the rest of your miracle pregnancy. I'm so happy for you!!
P.S. My Name is Dawna and you can check my blog out if you feel like it at www.kinleejae.blogspot.com